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Saraneth1
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Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Anthony S." journal:
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08:10 am
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73.33% Female
^_^ I just found that one site I was looking for. the one with the quiz about what percentage male or female you are.....
Your Brain is 73.33% Female, 26.67% Male |
Your brain leans female
You think with your heart, not your head
Sweet and considerate, you are a giver
But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you! |
73.33% Female. Somehow, it's lower than I expected.....
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08:25 pm
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A new beginning.....
This is it. I'm turning over a new leaf. So many things have happened in the last few days..... I think I've finally found the motivation to turn this around. I'm going to try to organize my thoughts.....
The first thing that happened actually happened quite a while ago. My mom told me that at a party she'd gone to, a friend of hers had said that their daughter told him that I was hanging out with the wrong crowd. I pressed my mom for information, and she finally told me that it was Jenilee. Jenilee! It wasn't until then that I noticed that lately she'd been going out of her way to talk to me, to be nice to me, when generally she ignored me. Before I was surprised, but now I know that she was just trying to be a friend. Well, it's a very nice gesture..... but more than a little condescending, you know? Like, when I was this perfect guy, steady in the Church, she never as much as looked at me. I'd thought that she was starting to see me as less and less of an annoyance, and more and more as a friend..... then I learned that she just thought I was hanging out with "the wrong crowd". That "good job" after my solo in Church..... smiling at me in the halls..... striking up a conversation in the lunch line..... they were all just attempts to get me back into the fold. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not angry at her. In fact, I'll have to thank her sometime..... I'm just more than a little disappointed that she wasn't really sincere. But she did make me see what I was blind to: Those people I was hanging out with were having a bad influence on me. I was doing things that 2 months ago I never would have imagined doing. Nothing really big, but still.
Today, I got my patriarchal blessing. It was, suffice it to say, one of the best experiences I've had in my life. and it, too, made me see that I had to pull myself out while I was still only ankle-deep. I don't remember almost anything that was said, but I'll get the transcript by the end of the week. I do, however, remember enough to know that i owe it to myself, to my friends, and to God to get myself back on the right path.
Again, don't get me wrong: I'm not going to become some evangelical saint, striking down my friends every time they have a bad thought. The very idea is laughable. But starting today, I'm going to work toward being a kinder person, more understanding, and an example to my friends. I know now that I have a job to do, and I'm not doing it yet. I need to work hard to start.
In other news..... I was listening through my old CD's, and I found something interesting. I'm With You, Invisible, Measure of a Man..... all those songs that spoke of dependence, of loneliness, of despair..... I can't identify with them anymore. They no longer apply to my life. I have pulled myself up out of the pit of depression that I was sunk into..... I'm happier, and I didn't realize it until today. And I know why..... because I know that I'm loved. I matter to people. I was thinking about suicide yesterday, just out of habit, and I realized: I could never do it. I didn't realize before, but I would hurt so many people..... and I couldn't do that to them. I couldn't hurt them like that. I've already hurt them enough. And you know what? I couldn't do that to myself, either. I owe it to myself. I've finally overcome this fog of despair that I've been shrouded in for..... I don't know how long. It's a good feeling. I'd like to say thank you to all the people who've helped me along the way. There are too many to name here, so I won't. You know who you are. Except..... I will name the person that's helped me the most: Amanda. ^_^ Amanda, I owe you my life. Thank you so much..... you are a wonderful person, no matter what anyone else says, and I love you for it. I can never repay you for what you've done for me. Thank you.....
Current Mood:  determined
Current Music: Clay Aiken - I Will Carry You
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06:02 am
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A Godsent period of introspection.....
Damn, this sucks. I can feel myself slipping again..... slipping back into my depressed mindset.This is so weird..... usually I don't feel myself slipping. I just feel normal for a while, then suddenly BAM! suicidal. Well, not really. Now that I think about it, I kind of have two entirely different types of depression. The first is the total, goth, "Everyone hates me, I want to die" breakdown..... but I don't get those very often, and they're relatively easy to get out of. Usually all I have to do is talk to Amanda or Monica for a while, or re-read one of Rachel's letters. The second one is the one that scares me the most, the one I have most often..... and the one that I feel myself slipping into right now. *shivers* I slowly but surely rationalize to myself until I've convinced myself that, hey, it's better that my parents have to lose only one child, me, than when the otherwise inevitable happens: I kill Joshua, then myself in guilt. That's really bad, because I can't be pulled out of that mindframe so easily. I'm not trying to put myself out of my misery; instead, I'm trying to keep my parents from further pain. I can't break free........... I'm scared. *shudders* Just thinking about it..... in a few days I'll be suicidal again, and..... even though I'm not right now..... I might actually do it this time. Friends, this is a cry for help: Save me from myself. Get me out of this pit I'm digging..... please........ when I do fall in, I'll need you to be there to help me out again. If you don't help me........ who will? *sighs* But, count my blessings: At least I can foresee it coming this time. Maybe it won't be so bad, now that I know that it's going to be here soon.
All of this I wrote by hand last ight, in bed. This morning..... I feel nothing. I feel perfectly fine. No sense of foreshadowing, no helpless sinking feeling..... I'm perfectly normal. And I'm scared because of it. Because I'm probably still slipping, I just can't feel it anymore. Thank God I wrote that stuff last night..... maybe it'll halt the inevitable. Or maybe not. If I'm suicidal in a few days..... well, be ready. Please. I need you guys. Don't feel like this is a call to come and help me with something that I could deal with myself. Don't see this as me being selfish and dragging you into my problems. I am asking you, I am pleading with you to save a life. It just happens to be mine.
Current Mood:  Worried........
Current Music: Going Under - Evanescence
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07:13 am
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Isn't someone missing me?
Well, I've yet again fallen in love with a song: Missing, by Evanescence. It exactly describes how my mood's been the past few days. "Isn't someone missing me? And if I bleed, I'll bleed knowing you don't care....." Very sad song. Well, my little posse (Or rather, Jen's) Has moved to a new location: With Jen's new boyfriend (whom I hate with every fiber of my body and soul), they now hang out in the dark corner with grunge rock blasting, and girls laying all over their respective guys. It sickens me. I refuse to stay there, even for them..... even for Rachel and Katelyn. Of course, Katelyn thrives in that environment..... and Rachel's fast adapting. Jen, of course, is subject to that bastard's - I'm sorry, I mean James's - wishes, so she's turning into one of them. It's sad. But I refuse to go near that pit of filth. I've been abandoned for James and his sons of bitches. Of course, when James moves in a few weeks (God, it'll seem like forever.....) they'll all come back crawling to me like nothing happened. Well, you know what? Screw them. I'm going back to being a loner. "You won't cry for my absence, I know - You forgot me long ago....." I can't wait to get out of this state.
Current Mood:  Damn you, James.....
Current Music: Missing - Evanescence
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07:52 am
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A new day
Well, Angel, you told me to do a happy journal today. *grins* I'm not in the best of moods, it being Friday morning, but I'll do my best, kk? ^^ Of course, since it's only 8:45 over here, I don't have that much to write about..... but I'll update it as the day goes along.
Well, today started off crappy. I slept through my alarm and woke up just in time to shower, get dressed, and leave for the bus. I didn't get to eat breakfast..... not that I would have, anyway. In study hall I completed that extra credit thing for math (proving the quadratic formula. Yay! *rolls eyes*)... choir was very weird, as usual..... now I'm sitting in the library during lunch, hungry, because I have no money in my account. I might as well skip dinner, too.....
Current Mood: And you know why, Amanda.
Current Music: She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5
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10:46 am
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Why do I even try?
*sighs* Why do I even try to fit in? I've tried to push myself into Jen's little group, and they act like they accept me, but today it's been more apparent then ever that I'm still an outsider, and I always will be. I shouldn't even try. I'm just going to go back to being that loner in the corner. That's the role that life has given me, and I'd be foolish to try and change it. There's only been one group that I've ever truely belonged to, and they're now split up by the stupid school schedule. Now I hang out by the library doors with the other loners. *laughs softly* I guess we're not really loners if we hang out in a group, are we? On the other hand..... "loner" is more of a state of mind, no? Never mind, I'm confusing myself. I don't need to do that; I've been confused enough lately.
I really need to get some sort of a social life. My parents are worried about me..... heck, I'm worried about myself. I keep finding myself thinking about Pen......... is that what I'm becoming? Nothing more than an internet whore? Maybe so....... after all, all of my closest friends are on the internet. I said that there's only been one group in which I truely belonged? Scratch that; I never really belonged in that one, either. It was always awkward when I was around... I didn't fit in there any more than I'd fit in anywhere. Sadly, my only true friends are on the Internet. They're the only ones I can talk to. I can't picture myself ever telling Mekon about the web-cam I found in my room, or Brandon about how I'm secretly homicidal............ well, I guess I'll be able to tell my journal allll about it, no? *rolls eyes* I don't know... I just don't know anything anymore. Einstein theorized that space was warped...... he had no frikken' clue.
Current Mood: rejected
Current Music: I'm With You - Avril Lavigne
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